Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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