my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
