I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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