Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Is her dick bigger than yours?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
