Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
