this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
