This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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