so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
