we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
