Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
pray to the hookup gods
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
