kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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