I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
