i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
