I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
