I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
