saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.