What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
