I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
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i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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