Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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