I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
