Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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