My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
