"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
