So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i love accidental penises.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
