there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
There r osticjed everywhere
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
