so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
