I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
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Did I show you my penis last night?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
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I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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