How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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