god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I take back everything I said about communal showers
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
