I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
