He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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