i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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