I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.