why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
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I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
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It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome