So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
