The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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