I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
