It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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