If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
