Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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