her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
