dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
40s are totally the cure
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
