Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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