Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
