dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
