I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
