Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
