So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
