is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
