You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
