yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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