i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
