Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
