Me. At least after what I've been through.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
