she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
