i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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