Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
